Friday, September 28, 2012

Her Name was Coral

Why do people cry when Bambi's mom gets killed but no one mentions it when Nemo's mom snuffs it?

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Now It's Personal

If you're one of the two people that actually read my blog then you may remember this story.  If you have stumbled upon this blog by mistake and have no interest in reading the back story then you can kiss my butt and get out of here.

That was kind of rude, wasn't it?  Let me apologize.  If you are new to this site then let me say, "Welcome".  Now, please click this above link so you can get caught up with the rest of us and then I can continue with my story.

Here's my tale of woe;

I got off of work yesterday and as I get to my car I see a pile of dog poop the size of small child sitting right beside the driver's door of my car.  Since I drive a Fiat, the pile was actually blocking a good portion of the view of my car.

I know that pile wasn't there when I got out of my car in the morning.  Heck, I couldn't have gotten out of my car if it had been there.  That means that the dog (and I'm convinced it's the same one that stole my tacos) had made an effort to cozy up to my car and do his dirty, sinful business.  It looked like he had been saving up for a while before he did it too.  I didn't check but I'm willing to bet that there was some Mexican food mixed in there as well.

I got in the passenger side and crawled across to the driver's side like I was crawling through a rabbit hole while carrying Santa's toy bag on my back.  Again, let me say... it's a small car!

In case that dog happens to be reading this blog, let me take this opportunity to quote several '90s movies, "IT'S ON!"

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

She's Bad Luck

We have a new addition to the family.

A woman at work heard me talking about my cat and she asked me if I wanted another one.  I immediately screamed, "NO!".  Then she hit me with the sob story.

It seems that she found five solid black little kittens in a dumpster behind a car wash.  I have no idea what this woman was doing going through a dumpster behind a car wash but that's none of my business.  Anyway, she took the kittens to her house and now she's looking to find them permanent homes.  I'm a sucker for stories like that so now we have a tiny black ball of fur running around my house.

Here's the problem.  We have black hardwood floor all throughout our house.  Not only is the kitten very tiny but she blends in perfectly with the floor.  I've already stepped on her a dozen times.  When I get off work today I'm going to get her a collar with a bell.

Just so you know, her name is Poubelle.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

That's Just Crazy

True story!

I just found out that Opus Jr. has a teacher that recently got married.  Her name was Miss Looney until she married Mr. Benz.

She goes by Mrs. Benz now but I think she's missing a golden opportunity.  Think about it, she could be Mrs. Looney-Benz.  Get it?  Mrs. Loony Bins!

Yeah yeah, I know it's elementary school humor but it made me smile.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Monday, September 24, 2012

God Save the Queen (to be)

The United States gets stuck with a reject from Planet of the Apes, Michelle Obama and England gets Kate Middleton?  Serious?

Hey England, can we forget about that whole Boston Tea Party thing?  Let's shake hands and forget that silly little thing we call the American Revolution every happened.  We will be more than happy to have taxation without representation as long as Kate comes visits "the colonies" every now and then.

I know you're probably still a little upset at us for leaving you so I'll make you a deal, you don't have to send Kate to America.  Just let us put her picture on our stamps and send us Pippa!

Two last things;
1)  If you go for my deal, please make Harry keep his pants on when he comes over.  If you want to have Pippa take her's off, I'm good with that!
2)  My comment about Michelle Obama is not racist.  I'm not saying it because she's black, I'm saying it because she looks like one of the monkeys from that movie.  Sorry, but it's true.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Friday, September 21, 2012

Always Read the Label

A co-worker comes into the office this morning.  This is our conversation.

Me:  Dude, your eyes are seriously red.  Are you high?
Co-worker:  No, they've been pretty irritated for a few days now.
Me:  Have you seen a doctor?
Co-worker: No, but my wife gave me some old eye drops that she had at the house.
Me:  They're not working.
Co-worker: I know, I think it's actually made it worse.
Me:  Let me see those eye drops.
(I examine the bottle)
Me:  Ummm, these are ear drops.
Co-worker: No they're not!
Me:  It says so, right here on the bottle.
(I show him the bottle and he squints his eyes and reads it)
Co-worker: Yeah, but a lot of antibiotics will work for ears and eyes.  That's normal.
Me:  Maybe, but it says in great big red letters "FOR EARS ONLY".
(Again, I show him the bottle)
Co-worker: Hold on a minute.
(He takes out his phone and calls his wife)
Co-worker: B*%$#, are you trying to kill me?!

Whoops, time for me to leave.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Thursday, September 20, 2012

It's All About Me

Just a quick note; I'm trying to expand on the "about me" part of this blog.  Click here or the "Opus T." tab at the top of the page.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Hey Bubba, Grab Yer Gun

I'm confused.  Poor little deer, who never hurt anyone, are shot for sport but this sea-donkey gets to walk around free.  Where is the justice in the world?

footnote:  I'm not really "anti-hunting", I was just using this post to highlight the fact that I'm "anti-crappy-music".

One last thing, I would like to apologize if I've hurt the feelings of any sea-donkeys.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Bucket List Part II

I want to take one of those art classes where you sit around drawing a picture of some naked person.

I can't imagine being in a situation where a naked woman wouldn't mind me saying, "Excuse me, would you mind moving your left elbow just a little?  I need to get a better look at your boob."

Make no mistake, my picture would totally be a stick figure but I promise you that it would take me weeks to complete it and it would be the most well researched stick figure in history because I would examine every inch of the subject to make sure I got it right.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Bucket List Part I

This is the first installment of what will be an ongoing feature.

I've been thinking about my life and I think it's time to write a "bucket list".  I'm not smart enough to think of a long list so I will be doing them one at a time.

Before I die, I would like to float down the Canal du Midi on an inflatable version of myself.

I know you're probably asking yourself, "WTF is he talking about?" but let me explain.  The Canal du Midi cuts through the South of France bypassing some incredible scenery and I would love to see it.  Heck, who wouldn't?

"Well yeah, that makes sense but why would you want to do it on an inflatable version of yourself?" is naturally your next question.

My answer:  'cause I'm cool like that.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Riddle Me This

Here's a riddle for you.

What do the poor have and the rich want?
What is bigger than God and worse than the devil?

The answer will be in the comments.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Please Don't Hurt Me

Opus Jr. is studying martial arts.  He has a main instructor and a secondary instructor.  The secondary instructor is a woman that teaches at an elementary school in town.  She posts notices around their dojo and she also sends out texts to keep the parents updated.

I've noticed several times that she uses the term "alot" instead of the correct "a lot".  Since she is a teacher I really want to correct her but since she's also a black-belt I'm afraid she'll kick my butt.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Friday, September 14, 2012

Schools Turn Kids into Mooches

So far today I've bought cookie dough and Krispy Kreme Donuts from people selling crap for their kids here at work.  I would rather schools just send the kids to my house and ask for money.  For that matter, I would rather the kids just run up to me on the street, punch me in the junk, and take my wallet.  That way I wouldn't have to watch their parents looking embarrassed about hitting me up to pay for overpriced food.

Don't get me wrong, I will still buy boatload of cookies the next time I see a Girl Scout.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Thursday, September 13, 2012

How Do You Say "Ouch" in Portuguese?

There was an article in the news today that cracked me up. 

The article talks about a former MMA fighter that was mugged by two guys on the street and he proceeded to defend himself. Well, that's one way to say it.  Another way to say it is, he beat the living snot out of them.

If you didn't read the article, I would like to point out a few things that stood out to me.

1.  After he knocked out the guy, he continued to hit him a few more times.  I guess he was just driving home his point.

2.  When the other guy ran off, Gracie jumped in his car and tracked him down.

3.  Choking out the second guy wasn't enough.  Gracie still punched him.

4.  After knocking them out, he tweeted a picture of them.

I'm betting those two guys are wishing they would have just gotten jobs instead of resorting to crime.

I know it wasn't nice but it made me smile.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Please Submit a Blood Sample Before Posting

Question:  Do you know what a "CAPTCHA" is?
Answer:  It a picture of numbers or letters that you have to enter to verify that you're not a bot trying to spam a website.

Nope.  Try again.

Question: Do you know what a "CAPTCHA" is?
Answer:  It's the most annoying thing about blogs.

That is correct!

Many bloggers will write that they appreciate and really look forward to comments but then they make it a pain in the butt for you to leave one.  Those stupid pictures are hard to read and the reward for getting one wrong is... having the privilege of doing it again!  YEA!

How much spam do you really get?  Is it worth annoying your readers?

Come on people, help me make this world a better place.  Kill the CAPTCHA!

footnote:  There were a lot of exclamation points in this post.  That's not really like me and I'd like to take the time to apologize.  However, I would not like to take the time to go back and remove the extra exclamaion points.  Weird, huh?

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Daddy's Little Girl

As I stood outside an office I overheard half of a telephone call.

(my thoughts during the pauses)

Well tell her to get out of bed and get ready for school.
(as a father, I've had this conversation many times)
No, she can not stay home because she's "sick".
(yep, been there too)
Good, now tell her to hurry up and get dressed  Oh, and make sure she wears pants.
(my son is the same way. it could be snowing outside and he would still wear shorts)
That's fine.  It's suppose to be hot today so she can wear shorts.
(I guess the kid won that round)
Just make sure her butt isn't showing.
(young kids will wear a dish cloth if you don't watch them)
Yeah, she can drive my car.  Just tell her to be carefull.
(drive?  How old is this kid?  She must be a teenager!)

At this point I quit listening.

As the father of four daughters, let me tell all of you new dads something.  If you have a daughter, there will come a time in the teenage years where you will have to do butt and boob checks on those girls before they leave the house.  I'm not talking about staring at your kid's girly parts.  I'm talking about making sure no one else can stare at her girly parts either.  Think I'm crazy?  Just wait.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Not Pretty or Smart

While sitting in my living room with Daughter #1, we were watching her two daughters play when she turned to me and teasingly said;

D1:  I bet you wish your children were as pretty as mine.
Me:  You're one of my children.
(long pause)
D1:  Did I just call myself ugly?
Me:  Yes, yes you did.

Not my proudest moment as a parent.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Monday, September 10, 2012

I Was in the Right Place to Repent

Yesterday I was sitting on a chair at church and Mrs. Penguin's best friend was standing next to me.  I was looking at pictures on my phone (this was before services had started) and I dropped my phone.  It landing right between Mrs. Penguin's friends feet.  I didn't think anything about it, I just picked it up.  When I looked at the screen I saw that it had switched from viewing pictures to the camera.  It didn't take a picture but it got me thinking.

What if that had taken a picture when it landed?  It would have been a perfect shot right up Mrs. Penguin's friends dress.  That would have been a little hard to explain.  I'm sure Mrs. Penguin would understand that I was a sick degenerate who simply wanted to see her friend's panties and she would have called me a pervert and started the divorce proceedings.  There would have been no muss or fuss.  However, since we were in church at the time, I'm pretty sure she would have called me the devil, plunged a cross straight through my heart, burned my body and then sent the ashes to the Pope for an excorism.

I do want to make one thing perfectly clear about this post.  I dropped my phone on accident and there was no picture.  Got it?  I don't want anyone thinking I'm one of those creepy guys that hang out at the park watching the female joggers while I play with "the change in my pocket".

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

We have a cleaning woman in our company that spends more time talking than she does cleaning.  She is sweet as she can be but every time she walks into an office she will be there for 30 minutes just talking.  She will clean for five minutes then talk for half an hour about anything on her mind.

Recently she has had a "helper" going around with her.  I thought she was probably training her replacement without even knowing it.  I would be willing to bet that was the original plan but there was a glitch.  It seems that this woman will work like a house-elf as long as she has someone to talk to.  The other woman doesn't even do anything.  She just follows her around and talks to her.  I'm assuming she actually works here, she may just be a friend of the cleaning woman that has nothing else to do during he day.

If you think about it, it makes sense for the company.
1 woman = 10% of the work.
2 women = 110% of the work

footnote:  Our cleaning woman looks nothing like the french maid in the picture.  Not even close!  As a matter of fact, I'm not entirely sure they are the same species.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Would You Like a Tissue and Some Privacy?

If you were in the middle of a conversation with someone, would you whip out a roll of toilet paper and proceed to casually wipe your butt?  Why do people assume that it is OK to blow their nose while talking to other people?  It's nasty.  The best part is after they blow their nose they will look into the tissue and smile like they've won a prize.

People are weird.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Friday, September 7, 2012

I'm Really Pissed Off

I think  am pretty sure my dog pee'd in my left shoe last night.  It's been feeling weird all day.  There is a certain four-legged butthead that is in for a world of trouble when I get home.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Joining the Amy Carter Support Group

The Democratic National Convention has been all over TV for the last few days.  This morning they were showing some clips from last night and they showed Obama with his two daughters.  That got me thinking...

I assume Obama's kids are surrounded by yes-men just like their dad is, but I wonder if they actually know that their father is considered the worst president this country has ever seen.  Do they actually read reports about how Jimmy Carter is thankful that Obama sucks so bad because now everyone will forget about how bad he screwed up while he was in office?

It just makes you wonder how shielded the kids are when their parents are in office.  Did Chelsea Clinton know that her dad was using the Oval Office as his private S&M club so he could violate interns with cigars or did she find out only after she left the White House?

It makes me glad that my dad was a truck driver and not a politician.  On the same hand, I'm sure my kids are happy that I'm too big of a doofus to get elected to anything.

footnote:  If you're a supporter of Obama and I've offended you please leave me a comment and I will do everything I can to make it right.  By "make it right" I mean I will read your comment and laugh at you until I pass out.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

I stopped to get gas this morning on my way to work and I stumbled into a real life episode of COPS.

There was a woman officer standing between her police car and another car and she was talking to a young man.  The man was obviously drunk and he's leaning over the woman and yelling at her.  She's talking into her radio that she has on her shoulder while slowly trying to back away from the guy.  It looks like the guy is about to hit the cop when out of nowhere this other guy shows up.  He calmly walks up behind the drunk guy, wraps an arm around the guy's neck in a choke hold, uses his other hand to open the back door of the police car, throws the guy inside, slams the door, and then just walks away.  It was like something out of a Chuck Norris movie.  The cop was so stunned that she never even said anything to the man.

My first three thoughts were;
1) That was surreal.
2) What kind of person is drunk at 4:00 in the morning on a weekday?
3) Since everyone here is focused on what just happened, I wonder if I can sneak off without paying for my gas.

Just for the record, I did pay for my gas.  I was afraid not to pay.  I thought Zorro, Batman, the boogie man, or whoever he was would pop out of the dark again and get me.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Wasn't Their Drummer Named "Ringo"?

Whatever happened to the Dixie Chicks?  They were huge, then they shot their mouths off and disappeared.

It's a shame.  I always thought their lead singer, Natalie Maines, was cute in a chunky sort of way.  I always got the impression that she was one Pabst Blue Ribbon away from yanking up her shirt and showing everyone the goods and I really wanted to be there when that happened.

Oh yeah, they also made music.  Of course it was music that sounded like someone trying to shove a cat up a canary's butt.

footnote:  I hope whoever worked on that picture received the Photoshop equivalency to an Academy Award for all the effort they put into that.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

There needs to be a special island where we can send women every 28 days.  I'm not trying to punish them so it can be a really nice island.  I'll bet Hawaii has one that they're not really using.

Since it's election season, if there was a candidate that ran on the "3 Days a Month in Hawaii" platform I can guarantee they would win by a landslide.  However, they may not carry the Hawaiian vote.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Rednecks on Tour

I took the tribe on vacation to Niagara Falls last month.  We took the boat tour called The Maid of the Mist that takes you right up next to the falls.  They give you a plastic rain jacket so I expected to get a little wet.  I didn't expect to get soaked to the bone.

We were on the top deck of the boat and there was a group of Chinese people standing right next to me.  How do I know they were Chinese?  It's a guess.

When we came out of the mist I wiped the water out of my face and muttered to myself, "Daggum".

I don't know if that is a common word that inspires hilarity in China but that group beside me just about busted a gut.  All I heard was tons of laughter, lots of conversations in Chinese, and the word "daggum" repeated over and over.

Somewhere in China the story of the hillbilly American is told to small children at night as they sit around the campfire.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin