Thursday, August 30, 2012

Stray Cats and Cool Cars

I walked out of my house this morning and two cats ran out from under my car.  My first thought was, "Wow, my car's big enough for two cats to sleep under?  Awesome!"

Just in case you're curious, that really is my car in the picture.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Making a Better Me

I think I would be a better person if I could start each day by slapping an orphan.

I know right now you're thinking "WTF?!!!".  Before you post an angry comment just give me a second to explain.

If I started each day by slapping an orphan I think I would spend the rest of the day thinking, "Oh my god, I can't believe I smacked a poor little street urchin.  I better be super nice to people all day to make up for it."  Then I would spend the rest of the day opening doors for little old ladies, helping to teach the handicap how to yodel, and generally being one heck on a good citizen.

I'm not too sure the orphan would be thrilled about my plan but I think in the cosmic scheme of things the good that I would do would override the bad.  Trust me, this is all about improving myself.  It has nothing to do with a desire to abuse parentless children.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

footnote:  This whole post is obviously a joke.  I happen to be very anit-child abuse and very pro-adoption.  I actually thought about replacing "slapping an orphan" with "kicking a puppy" but that would have brought in just as many angry letters.  Again, it was just a joke.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


The movie wasn't anything special but there was one scene that made it all worthwhile.

Anne Hathaway, as Catwoman, climbs onto the Bat-cycle and they show a nice closeup from the rear.  That one view convinced me to buy that DVD the minute it comes out.  Heck, I may buy two.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

The Dog Ate My Tacos

My day just officially turned to crap.

I wasn't in the mood to eat at the cafeteria here at work so I called and ordered a meal from the Mexican place down the road.  I go and get my food and I'm coming back into our building through a side door which requires you to wave your name badge in front of a panel.  I sit down one of the bags I'm carrying so I can grab my badge out of my pocket when out of nowhere a dog the size of a rhinoceros comes charging at me.  Without missing a stride he grabs the bag sitting on the ground and disappears before I can even register what is happening.  I'm serious, he didn't even slow down.  It was like he had been practicing his whole life for that one shot at my lunch.

After I get over the shock of what happened I looked around and, I'm not kidding, there are two small dogs sitting in the parking lot just looking at me with smiles on their faces.  There isn't a doubt in my mind that they were laughing.

I'm so pissed right now that I want to go eat a hot dog just because of the name.

By the way, "the size of a rhinoceros" may be a little bit of an exaggeration.  Looking back, I'm pretty sure that dog was part Chihuahua.  That still doesn't make it right!

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Miss Piggy has a Frog in Her Throat

I've always wondered if Fozzie the Bear ever realized he was a bear and decided to maul the crap out of those two guys in the balcony that kept heckling him.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

August, You Da' Man

That last post has pushed August over the top.  I have published more posts in August than any month since I've started this blog. 

The cherry on top of this accomplishment is the fact that the post that put August in the lead happens to be the one showing a nearly naked Salma Hayek.  Of course, any post showing a nearly naked Salma Hayek is a good one but that's not the point.

I feel like I should have a parade in August's honor.  I wonder if New York City will let me drive down Broadway with August in the back of a convertible while strangers throw old lottery tickets out the window at me.

Oh yeah, the first person that points out the fact that this is only the second month of this blog will get a serious purple-nurple!

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

This is a Free Country

What's the point?  There isn't a point but it's my blog and I think there should be a picture of Salma Hayek in a bikini.  'Nuff said.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Giving Peas a Black Eye

The Curiosity rover that is currently cruising around Mars broadcast music today.  The song was a new one by  I think that's great.  Finally they have found a place where his music won't annoy the hell out of people.  If only we could send all of Nicki Minaj's music to Venus then we could really make this a better world for all.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

I Just Vomited a Little in My Mouth

Sara Louise at Sara in Le Petit Village had a post about having too many zucchinis and she didn't know what to do with all of them.  It's very early in the morning in this part of the world and the part of my brain that tells me not to say something stupid must still be asleep.  I commented on her post that she needs to make zucchini smoothies.  Really?!  That's the best that I could come up with?  I feel so dirty.

Sorry Sara Louise.

By the way, does anyone else see a zucchini duck in that picture or is it just me?

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Urine Luck

Just to let you know, I'm not fixated on urine or anything like that, it's just a weird coincidence that I've written two posts about it.

I stopped at a little gas station to get something to drink and use the bathroom the other day.  I go into the little stall and take a whiz.  When I turn around there is an older gentleman standing there looking at me.  This is our conversation;

Creepy Old Man:  Do you know what they call a person that pees with the seat down? A woman!
Me:  Do you know what they call a guy that watches a strange man pee?

A look of shock struck his face as I pushed my way past him.  As I exited the door I glanced back and he was still standing there with his mouth hanging open.

I don't know if he was the toilet seat police or just an old weirdo but things like that keep happening to me.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Friday, August 24, 2012

The Great Sock Migration

I need someone from Australia to do me a favor.  Could you look around and see if you see a bunch of socks with American accents?  I've looked all over my house and I can't find any of my socks so I'm assuming they're on the other side of the world.  If you could round them up and mail them back to me I would really appreciate it.

By the way, I went with "The Great Sock Migration" but it was a toss up between that and "Throw Another Sock on the Barbie" for the title of this post.  I kind of regret my decision now.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Yes, I Know It's Crooked

This is the picture that hangs directly above my desk at work.

I'm so bored that I'm taking pictures of a picture.

There's actually a weird reason that it's there.

A picture use to hang in the outer part of my office but every time a certain bigwig brought in a customer he would reference the picture by saying "Look at beautiful downtown Smallville."  Then he would make this gutteral laugh that, although I've never heard it, sounded to me like a walrus receiving oral sex.  It drove me nuts.

I spend a couple of years trying to find out who was in charge of decorating our business.  No one seemed to know so I assumed no one would care if I redecorated my part.  I looked around until I found a picture that I liked then asked the manager of that department if they would trade with me.  They were cool with it so I swapped pictures.  Only, it wasn't that easy.  The pictures had different modes of support.  I had to remove all the hardware on the backs of the frames and swap them.  It took several hours and there was quite a bit of blood and cussing.

I was so proud of myself.  That feeling lasted for two days.  The very next time that bigwig came into my office with a client he looked at the new picture and said, "Yeah, I finally got them to change the pictures in here."  What?!

The minute they left I yanked down that picture, hung it directly over my desk and filled the empty space with a medical poster showing a diseased smoker's lung.  Let him take credit for that!

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

I Don't Get Around Very Much

visited 30 states (60%)

visited 3 states (1.33%)

The red parts are places I've been.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Hey Frank, Nice Dress

If you're a man and you list The Notebook as one of your favorite movies then you need to turn in your man-card and buy yourself a nice pair of open-toe pumps.

Listen, I enjoy seeing hot chicks in wet t-shirts as much as the next guy but there hasn't been a bigger chick-flick since Steel Magnolias.  By the way, that movie blew chucks too.

I know this movie is several years old but I just saw a guy using the movie poster as his avatar.  Wrong, so wrong.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Yo No Hablo Español

The people at the Mexican restaurant down the road are the nicest people but I can't understand a word they're saying.

I call in my order, I go to pick it up, then they start asking me questions and talking to me and I just stand there nodding like an idiot.  Please, I just want some freakin' fajitas!  I'll pay extra to not have to try to interpret your accented English.  I don't mind any other time but when I'm hungry I just want my food.

I'm not even sure what I've been agreeing to.  I think I may have just bought an old car from the girl at the cash register.  Either that or I'm now taking her to the prom.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Headline News

Mrs. Penguin was reading the paper and I asked to borrow a section.  Without looking up she told me to use her iPad instead.

That spider never knew what hit it.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I Put the "P" in Pepsi

I stopped by the break room to buy myself a bottle of Pepsi from the vending machine today.  I pulled a dollar out of my pocket but suddenly realized that I needed to pee.  I headed to the bathroom and cruised up to a urinal when I noticed I still had the dollar in my hand.  That's cool, regardless of what I tell Mrs. Penguin, I really only need one hand to hold my...

At this point I should think of a nice way to say this.  Hmm, how about I call it "my feather"?  Does that work with you?  Good, let's continue the story.

As I'm standing there with a dollar in one hand and my feather in the other an odd thing happens.  Have you ever seen the movie Ghostbusters?  Remember the part where they're catching a ghost for the first time with their new proton packs and the smart one tells them not to cross the streams because "that would be bad"?  Now think of the dollar as one stream and the flow of pee as the other stream.

Actually the flow of pee would be a stream.  Cool, huh?  Sorry, back to the story.

Somehow I managed to cross the streams.  Either I forgot how long the dollar was or I forgot how long my feather was.  Whatever the cause, I ended up with a wet dollar.  Not just a wet dollar, but a dollar wet with urine.

Looking back I realize that I should have washed the dollar in the sink but I didn't think of it at the time.  I'll admit it, I panicked.  All I knew was that I wasn't sticking the bill back into my pocket and I still really wanted a Pepsi.

Just for future reference, it is really hard to get a vending machine to take a wet dollar.  I'm thinking that the machine knew how it got wet.

For anyone reading this that thinks I'm a jerk for fouling the machine with my pee-dollar let me ease your mind.  When I finally got the machine to take the dollar it gave me a bottle of Pepsi that was half empty.  The lid had come loose and it had leaked out.  Karma paid me back.

I know this wasn't my best story and I don't come off too well in it but it's my life for better or worse.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Herbie Isn't the Only Thing Fully Loaded

I seem to have lost touch, didn't Lindsey Lohan use to be kind of hot?  What happened?

I'll judge her but you...

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Higher Learning

I'm thinking about going back to school.  Does anyone know if it's possible to major in sitting on the couch watching old reruns of The Simpsons?  I'm pretty sure I could test high enough to bypass the first couple of semesters.

If I did go back to college, the first thing I would do is join a sorority.  Yeah, I know they're for girls but this is my fantasy and I would appreciate it if you didn't ruin it.  It would be great, classes in the morning to sharpen my mind and broaden my horizons, then bikini pillow fights at night to make sure I was all tuckered out so I could sleep with a smile on my face.

Before you ask, yes, I do look great in a bikini.  Well, "great" may be too strong of a word.  Let's just say I'm a mix between Gisele Bundchen and the Snuffaluffagus from Sesame Street.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Old Man is Snoring

It's raining!  It's been so long that I've forgotten what it sounds like.  Maybe I can actually go a day without having to water my peach tree. 

Side note:  I have a peach tree.  Jealous?

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

What Was I Thinking?

Sorry about that last post.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Random Post

I just farted.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

That's Not a Cat Toy

I have a new kitten.  It's a long story about a rescue and bottle feeding that we will get into at a later time.

Mrs. Penguin puts the kitten in the bathroom at night so it won't have to search for the litter box.  The cat is getting really playful and it likes to launch itself at me when I walk by.

Let me tell you right now that I am not a morning person.  I get up at 3:30 in the morning and I'm basically a member of the walking dead for the first couple of hours.  That being said, it's always a surprise when a ball of fluffy holding tiny knives suddenly pounces on me while I'm still half asleep.  This morning the kitty waited until just before I stepped into the shower.  That's when I noticed that she can leap higher than I thought and she seems to have a target in mind.

I'm trying to keep this blog family oriented so I will just say; our cat will be sleeping in another room from now on.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I'm Not Really Feeling Motivated

I just saw a so-called motivational picture that said,
"Tomorrow is a blank page, just waiting to be filled with your dreams." 
It had a lot more to say but I just want to focus on that part. 
What kind of egotistical goober came up with that quote?  "Tomorrow is a blank page"? 
Really?  I'm pretty sure tomorrow had things planned whether you decided to participate or not.

It's like saying, "The world will only keep turning if you believe that unicorns poop crayons."

Yeah, right!

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin


This was the dream I had the other night;

Mrs. Penguin and I are sitting in a restaurant and Dr. Evil's helicopter lands.  (yes, the same Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies)  He gets out of the helicopter and starts to walk through the restaurant.  Mrs. Penguin starts yelling at him about how she never got her salad and now he owes her a meal.  He agrees and Mrs. Penguin goes to him and they return to his helicopter and fly off.

At this point I wake up and I am pissed!  How dare she just leave me sitting by myself like that.  It took me a few minutes to realize it was a dream but I was so mad that I couldn't go back to sleep.  I laid there from 2:00AM until my alarm went off at 3:30AM just fuming about that dream.  At one point I was thinking, "If she thinks I'm just going to sit here until she gets back then she's crazy.  Dr. Evil can give her a ride home."  Then I came to my senses and thought, "What the hell am I saying?  It was a dream!"

I told Mrs. Penguin about it that morning and she thought it was pretty funny.  I failed to find the humor.

By the way, if you want a free DVD of the three Austin Powers movies you can find them laying in a trashcan next to the curb in front of my house.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

I Should Really Start Listening to My Wife

An actual phone conversation that took place.
Let me set the scene for you.
It's 6:30 in the morning and I'm sitting in my office.
I decided to make a harmless phone call to my wife.

Phone:  ring  ring  ring
Mrs. Penguin: What do you want?!
Me:  Uh... hello honey.
Mrs. Penguin:  Why are you calling me?
Me:  I always call you on your way to work.
Mrs. Penguin:  Did you forget that I'm off today.
Me:  Apparently I did.
(several seconds of silence)
Me:  So, whatcha' doing?
Phone:  click!

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Saturday, August 11, 2012

He Had a Very Shiny Nose

I was driving home yesterday and I started thinking about that old clay-mation Christmas show Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  I have no idea how it came to mind but that's not important for this story.  Just stay focused and let's stick to the facts.

I started thinking about the character Yukon Cornelius.  He was a prospector who would throw his pick into the air and it would stick in the snow.  He would grab it, sniff it and then lick it.  At the end of the show you find out that he was searching for a lost peppermint mine the whole time.

That started me thinking about peppermints and candy canes and I started to wonder if the red part and the white part of the candy tastes different.

Does anyone know?  Since there is candy involved I am willing to do some research to unravel  this mystery.  I'll be like that owl that figured out how many licks it took to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

In case you're wondering, the owl said it took three licks.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Friday, August 10, 2012

My First (and probably my last) Contest

I just got back from my vacation and I had so much fun that I've decided to spread around some of the joy by holding a contest.  The rules are simple; the first person to leave a comment that says where I went on my vacation will be the winner.

What does the winner get?  I'm glad you asked.  (drum roll)  The next time I'm eating tomato soup I promise to think fondly of the winner while I'm putting in the oyster crackers.  That's right!  Wheel of Fortune can kiss my butt because with a prize like this we're all winners.

I know you're slobbering all over your keyboard right now at the thought of such a prize and you really want me to shut up and get to the contest.  First of all, don't be so pushy.  Second, I have to tell you how we're going to play.  It's simple, I'm going to show a photograph and you have to guess where it was taken.  Piece of cake.

Crap, now I want some cake.

Oh well, here we go.
Can you figure it out?
Don't get excited, it's not what you think.  This picture was actually taken in Ohio.  I was just screwing with you.  This wasn't my final destination of my vacation.

There you go.  Such an iconic American symbol like that must be a dead giveaway.
Seriously, that's no enough?  Can you people even pick out America on a map?  I'm ashamed of the state in which the education system of this country has fallen.  Shameful.
OK, one more tip.
There you go.  The first to pick the spot will win the jackpot and forever be remembered whenever I eat oyster crackers.

Sorry the picture quality is crappy.  As a professional photographer it's a stain on my soul that the only shots I had available were from my phone.  I haven't had time to process the ones I took with my camera.

What's that?  You didn't know I was a professional photographer?  Well yes I am.  A professional is defined by someone who gets paid for performing a service or providing goods.  A long time ago Mrs. Penguin said that she would pay me if I quit trying to take pictures of her while she was in the shower.  There was money and a camera involved so I think that counts.

As always...

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin