Thursday, July 26, 2012

Fire Up the Family Truckster

Don't bother calling me because I will be unavailable for the next two weeks.  I'm taking the whole tribe across country on a well deserved vacation.  If anyone would like to join me they are more than welcome.  Just be at my house in the next 12 hours or flag me down as I drive by.
I shall return.  Until then...

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Oh the Humanity!

Mrs. Penguin woke me early Tuesday and told me her car had a flat tire.  My first thought  was, "So?"  My second thought was, "Oh crap!"

I had two choices, I could either drag my butt out of bed at 6:00 in the morning or let her take my car.  Tough choice.  I'm not a morning person but I really don't want anyone driving my car.

Let me take a break from this post to assure you that, yes, I know I'm selfish.  OK, back to the story.

I told her that I would change her tire but she started whining about being late for work telling me not to worry my pretty little head because she would just drive my car.  She asked where were my keys?  Great, now I've got to reveal my hiding place.  This day is starting to really suck.

She takes my car and I'm a nervous wreck.  I wait until I know she's at work before I call her to make sure she didn't even hit a bug with my car arrived safe and sound.  I spent the rest of the day in a cold sweat thinking about her driving my car home during rush hour.  It was a long day.

Later that evening I see her pull into the driveway and I rush outside to check on my car her and ask how her day had been.  I see her step out of my car holding her phone to her ear.

"WERE YOU TALKING ON THE PHONE WHILE DRIVING MY CAR?!" I scream.
"Hi Honey, how was your day?" I ask.

I look into my car to make sure she didn't so much as change the radio station leave any personal item behind that she may need later and I see a coffee cup in the cup holder.

"COFFEE?  IN MY CAR?" I bellow loud enough that neighbors rush outside to gather up their children.
"Sugar-doodle, would you like for me to throw away this cup for you?" I say as I glance lovingly in her direction.

In the end we talked like a couple of high school lovers about how much I missed her and about how she really didn't like driving my car because she had to shift gears manually.  It was a good talk.

I slept on the couch that night.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Monday, July 23, 2012

Always Hang It So It Goes In Front of the Roll

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and I saw the saddest sight.  They sale single rolls of toilet paper.  First I was sad about the lonely little rolls but then I started thinking about the people who buy them.  How broke are you that you have to buy a single roll of toilet paper?  What's next, buying it by the square?  That's messed up.

Just so you know, I have no idea what that picture is all about.  I just searched for "toilet paper" and there it was.  I couldn't pass it up.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Bling

There is a jewelry store in town that had a cool promotion.  Any jewelry you bought during the month of June would be free (except for taxes) if the temperature reached 100 degrees on July 4th.

For those readers that don't use Fahrenheit I would like to apologize.  I've never been good at conversions but I think it's somewhere around a million degrees Celsius.  I could be wrong.

Anyway, one of the guy I work with took advantage of it and got a couple of nice pieces for free.  If I had only known.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

My High School English Teacher Can Suck It

That's right, you're reading the works of an award winning journalist.  As a matter of fact that's how I'm introducing myself from now on.  Heck, I may even start charging you to read this 'cause I'm so good.

In the immortal words of Steve Martin in The Jerk, "Things will start happening to me now!"

As much as I appreciate the young woman at CherryRetroBerry for giving me this much deserved award, I'm afraid I must decline.  I wouldn't feel right accepting this award while there are people in this world that still don't know that "alot" is suppose to be written as two words ("a lot").  Until we stamp out this scourge of our planet, it just seems morally wrong to rub my accomplishments in the face of those who still struggle grasping the concept of "your" and "you're".  Damn it people, no child should be left behind!

OK, I'm just kidding.  Of course I'll take the award.  I might even get a tattoo of the award so I can show it off when I'm at the beach.  I bet that gold coloring will really standout on my chalk white skin.  I think I'll go with the "tramp stamp" approach so it will really shine.

I'm suppose to pass this award to five other blogs that have less than 200 followers.  I'm not big on awarding things to people that I don't know very well so let me know if you'd like to be considered for this prestigious award.

Footnote:  I'm stunned that "spellchecker" showed that I only had one word spelled wrong.  That world was "alot".

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Bruce Lee Penguin

Opus Jr. received his yellow belt in Karate last night. 

Way to go!!!

Two things: First, I know the belt of the guy in the picture isn't yellow.  I actually painted it yellow but I didn't like it.
Second... I really don't have a second thing but once I wrote the phrase "Two things" I was kind of stuck and I didn't want to go back and change it.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Friday, July 20, 2012

Cock-a-dooble-doo

I wonder if chickens ever see ducks swimming or flying around and think, "What the heck?  We're basically the same animal and I can't do any of that stuff."

If they do then I would like to take this opportunity to say to them, "Cheer up little chickens.  At least you taste better than ducks."

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

What's the Plural of "Doofus"?

Daughter #2 is married to a doofus.  Actually, that may be an insult to all the doofus-es of the world and I would like to take this opportunity to apologize.  For the remainder of this story we shall simply call him Lazy-ass.  You'll understand why later.

Neither D2 (Daughter #2) or Lazy-ass will ever have to worry about attending a Mensa meeting for new members.  That is unless they're there to park cars or do the dishes.  Other than that, Mensa won't come knocking on their door.

Over the last three or four years D2 and Lazy-ass have lived in several rental properties around the town. However, they always seem to keep returning to Lazy-ass's parents house.  Why?  Because no matter how nicely you ask, those cruel landlords unreasonably want to be paid for letting you live in their properties.  Seems unfair doesn't it?  Well, it does to D2 and Lazy-ass.  Even more baffling to Lazy-ass is the fact that those greedy, heartless slumlords won't accept the rent in leftover marijuana roaches.  Seriously, what is this world coming to?!

There is always drama surrounding D2 and Lazy-ass but when they're living with his parents it really gets kicked up a few notches.  Let me fill you in on his family.

The Dad - old hippy who thinks the world should pay for him to sit home, smoke dope and play video games.  Seriously, the guy is pushing 60 and he still sits around getting high and playing video games.  He seems to have an allergy to work and he can't under why people just don't give him money.  I'm not making up this next part.  He had a plan to get on government disability.  He thought that he would go to a bunch of job interviews but fail them so he wouldn't get this job, then he would file for disability because he was too anti-social to work.  He finally got a job working at a gas station three days a week.  Since then he has written several letters to government officials complaining about how no one should have to work that much and if you did then you're just a greedy corporate sell-out.

The Mom - worse than The Dad.  She's not married to The Dad even though they have been together for nearly 30 years.  It seems that she was married to another guy years ago and he died.  Since he died she has been receiving a check from someone but those checks will end if she ever gets re-married.  Well, we couldn't have that happen could we?  She use to work with an accountant friend of hers every year around tax filing time.  She would work for two months then take the rest of the year to recuperate from those terrible 4 hour days she put it.  She said that she made enough in those two months that she didn't need to work the rest of the year.  Of course, she also badgered D2 and Lazy-ass for money on a daily basis.  Boy, talking about pumping a dry well.

The Sister - I don't know much about her.  I know she married some guy who works on gas wells or something like that.  They moved to Pennsylvania for a while so he could work but they have since moved back in with The Mom and The Dad.  Apparently he was making good money there so The Mom ran there and moved in with them.  When The Sister told The Mom that she could stay but they weren't giving her any money The Mom came running home.  When The Sister moved back she brought her two new babies with her.

The Brother - I don't know anything about him or his "partner".  Well, I do know something about him; he has a "partner".

I think that's all the players.  Let's add them up.  The Dad, The Mom, The Sister, The Brother, Lazy-ass, D2, and four children under the age of three.  That is ten people living under one roof with a total of one job between them.  Classy.

There is so much more to this story but it's pissing me off even writing about it.  We'll come back to this post some day (after I've had a few drinks).

By the way, I know that I made fun of D2 and Lazy-ass's intelligence in a post that is filled with typos and bad sentence structure.  All I can say is...

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Say Cheese

Why would anyone buy the clothes shown in a fashion show?  The models all look like they're miserable wearing them.  Who sees this and thinks, "Wow, those women are skinny and attractive but yet they look so sad.  It's all because of those clothes that they are forced to wear.  If it makes them feel like crap then I have to have it!"?

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Super Size It

I love to cook.  Why?  Because McDonald's has a limited menu and Gordon Ramsay can't be that big of a dick to people unless he knows what he's doing.

Right now I'm really into French and Irish foods.  Maybe it's because all of the French and Irish cookbooks I have call for lots of booze.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

My Hometown

Do most towns have that one cool thing that everyone who lives there finds boring?
I'm talking about the cool statue or feature that tourists ask about and the locals never visit?
I once visited a statue of Ray Charles in the middle of some little town in Florida.  I drove out of my way to see it and I was the only one around.  Of course, I also visited two different towns that claimed to have the world's largest peanut so don't use me as a guide.
Anyway, I love those offbeat attractions.  I would drive 1000 miles to see a statue of some minor historical figure that was made out of the hardened saliva of an extict chipmonk.  I'm sorry but that would be incredible.  Heck, I'd even buy a ticket for that one.
I'm curious, what is your town famous for?

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

WTF?!

If I could go back in time, I would go back to when I was about 10 years old.  I would find one of my friends, walk up to him, slap him on the back of the head, then walk away without saying anything.  Having a random stranger slap you on the back of the head is one of those things that would stick with you as you grew.  He would always remember what I looked like and as I got older he would start to get more and more confused.  I just want to see if he would ever bring it up when we were adults.  What would he say?

Friend:  Ummm, did you slap me in the back of the head when we were in 5th grade?
Me:  How would I remember, I was only 10 years old at the time.
Friend:  This is going to sound weird but did you somehow turn into an adult for a couple of hours back then?

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Trolls, Goblins and Hags. Oh My!

I wish we had trolls.  I'm not talking about people being buttheads in chatrooms.  I'm talking about rock eating, living under a bridge, stealing sheep, trolls.  I don't know why but it would be kind of cool to hear a news report about trolls every now and then.

Anchorman:  We take you out to Shawnee for a live report.  Bob Talkinghead is standing by to give us the details on a strange sighting that took place today.  So Bob, tell us what happened. 

Reporter in the field:  Thanks Ken.  It seems a 17 foot mountain troll held up traffic in Shawnee today.  It has been reported to me that traffic on the West bound freeway came to a halt as the troll decided to take a crap in the middle of the road.  After finishing his business the troll wandered off looking relieved.  The highway department quickly cleaned the four foot pile of troll poop off of the highway and traffic resumed.  No word yet if the troll wiped afterwards.  Back to you Ken.

I would watch the news more often if there were reports like that.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Arrivederci Cruel World

If I ever decided to kill myself, I have figured out how I'm going to do it.  I discovered an Italian restaurant the other day that would be the perfect place to "snuff it".  I would happily go to the great beyond by sitting there and eating myself to death.  The bad part is, I'm not even sure what I ate.  It was called the "Chef's Special" and it may have been leftover cat food for all I know but it was awesome.

By the way, I'm pretty sure the guy making this great Italian food was from Puerto Rico and my waitress was Korean.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Friday, July 13, 2012

Put Away Childish Things

When does Jr. High School end?  Or should I say, when do people outgrow the Jr. High mindset?

I work with two people, both of them in their 50's, that dated for a couple of years and then broke up several months ago.  Since they broke up they have turned into a bunch of whiney-ass teenagers.  It's the most childish thing you've ever seen.  They've done everything but stick their tongues out at each other as they pass in the hall.
The bad part is, they both feel the need to tell on each other...to me!  Please, someone shoot me.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Tom and Jerry Gets Bloody

I woke up this morning to find my cat, Lucy (he hates that name), had left me a present.  I found it by stepping on it.
I don't know about you but I'm not a big fan of stepping on a mouse carcass covered in cat saliva.  It's not something I want to experience at 3:30 in the morning.  I guess I'm just picky like that.
Apparently he left it out in the middle of the room as a gift for me because he was sitting there watching me like he was waiting for a heartfelt "thank you".  He didn't get one.
This whole incident got me thinking about the mindset of my cat.  Either he's crazy or he thinks I am.
He didn't eat the mouse so that tells me that he just killed it for fun or he thinks I enjoy seeing dead mice.  If he did it for fun then it seems my cat is a psychopath and he kills other living creatures for kicks.  If he did it because he thought I would enjoy seeing a mangled mouse then he's a little warped and he thinks I'm a psychopath.  Either way, he's no longer welcomed into my room while I'm sleeping.  As a matter of fact, he may want to get real comfortable in the garage.  Freakin' psycho!

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

London Calling

I really want one of these.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Pepperoni By The Pool

Grand-daughter #1 came up to me yesterday and told me that she wanted to go swimming (because it's a penguin thing to do).

GD1:  Papa, let's go swimming.
ME:  Do you have anything to wear?
GD1:  Yeah, I brought my "baking soup".

At this point I lost track.  Swimming or cooking.  Did part of that conversation take place while I wasn't paying attention?
She likes to cook with me so I thought maybe I had misheard the first part of the conversation so I prod her to make sure she wasn't talking about cooking.

ME:  What would you like to make?
GD1:  Waves!

I was still a little confused so I put on my "baking soup" and ordered a pizza.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

The Fall Of Man Was Caused By An Apple

What did Eve tempt Adam with?
An apple.
Why?
Because apples are evil.
Coincidence?  I don't think so.
As a computer technician, I can't stand Apple's proprietary approach to their products.  Be that as it may, I still own one of their iPhones.
I know, I'm a hypocrite.  Sue me.

This brings us to the real point of this post.

Recently I downloaded Marvel Comics' app for my phone and I've been re-reading some old X-Men comics from my youth.  Now, I haven't read comics in a long time so it was kind of a eye opening experience for me. I remember comics being nothing but muscular guys and big boobed women in goofy outfits punching each other.  However, I crack up when I read them now because the characters have these long diatribes on every page.  It's like the writers are trying to turn the books into works of Shakespeare or something.  It's even better when you realize that they are giving the grandiose speeches while wearing goofy outfits and punching each other.
Oh well, nothing from your childhood is like you remember it. Well, except for that girl I had a crush on in seventh grade.  Screw you guys, she's still perfect!

Two more things before I go;
1) Mrs. Penguin says that I was a nerd then, and I'm still a nerd now.  With the computer references and all the comic book talk, I have to agree with her.
2) The girl from seventh grade may have been hot but not as hot as Psylocke.  She's the real reason I started re-reading those old comics.  Don't judge me!

"Don't judge me".  Hmmm, I think I just found my new signature phrase.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Not My Best Beginning

Kudos to all of you long time bloggers.  I don't know how you do it.  I published one little post and I got yelled at.
"You didn't say anything!  Who would want to read that?!  At least tell them something about yourself.  And I better not catch you badmouthing me!" came the shrill observation of my lovely, and soft spoken wife, Mrs. Penguin.
"Sorry, Dear.  I will fix it immediately." I respond in my sheepdog-ish voice in the hopes that she will stop hitting me with the herring she is holding with all the love in my heart.

So now, a little something about me...

I'm very international.  I drive around America in a car made in Mexico by an Italian company while listening to the French singer Edith Piaf or humming Irish drinking songs to myself.  How cosmopolitan!  However, if you look at my passport you will see that I went to Mexico with my family when I was 12 and that was the extent of my international travels.  That doesn't mean that I'm naive in the ways of the world.  I eat at The International House of Pancakes all the time so I know a thing or two about foreign affairs.

OK, maybe this will be enough to get Mrs. Penguin off my back show Mrs. Penguin that I value her opinion and I know that she was right, this page did need another post.

Two little things before I go;
1) That picture is not my car.  I jacked that shot off the internet, although mine does look just like it.
2)  How can a blog site show the word "bloggers" as being spelled wrong?

Arrivederci,
Opus T. Penguin

Flightless, But I've Made My Peace With It

I could write a little introduction here but I would much rather you discover the "joys of me" as we go along.  I can't promise that it was be a consistent journey but I'm pretty sure it will be a fun one.  I will try to keep you entertained as I expound about my world.

Enjoy the ride, and keep your arms inside at all time.

(needing a good signature line),
Opus T. Penguin