Friday, May 30, 2014

What's That in the Road?

I was doing laundry the other day.  Yes, that's right ladies, men can do laundry too.  As I was taking the last few remaining items out of the dryer I saw several pieces of change in there.  I was alternating between picking up a piece of clothing and putting it in the basket and picking up a coin and putting it in my pocket.

Now let's skip ahead an hour or so.

I'm out and about running errands and I stopped by Taco Bell to grab some lunch.  Notice I didn't say a "good lunch"?  The girl behind the counter told me how much I owed and I reached into my pocket and I pulled out some kind of garment.

It seems as if I got carried away shoving coins in my pocket and I accidentally put some small item of clothing in there as well.  It was an honest mistake so I didn't think much about it until I noticed the girl behind the counter looking at me kind of strangely.  I looked down at the item of clothing in my hand and I realized it was a pair of my wife's panties.

It was at this point that I had a moment of clarity.  It was as if I was seeing myself from a third person's point of view, and what did I see?  I saw a grown man standing in the middle of Taco Bell holding a pair of women's panties.  I also saw that the man wasn't with a woman.  Therefore, it looked like this man was some kind of cross dresser, or he was attempting to pay for a smothered burrito with women's undergarments.

I quickly shoved them back into my pocket, paid for my food, and left as fast as possible while trying to not make eye contact with a single person.

As I was driving I started thinking about my situation.  These were obviously my wife's underwear and I just needed to take them back home.  But then I thought, "What if Mrs. Penguin is home and she sees me pulling a pair of her panties out of my pocket?"  She would never believe it was an accident.  No problem, if she was home when I got there I would just leave them in my car until I could safely return them.  That sounds like a great plan, right?  But what if I forgot them and at some point in the future Mrs. Penguin found them in my car?  I don't care if those things had her name and address stitched into them, there is no way I would be able to convince her that they didn't belong to another woman.

What to do, what to do?  Wait, I have an idea!  Yep, you guessed it.  I chucked those suckers out the window of my car and I never looked back.

I'm a real problem solver.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin