Wednesday, June 4, 2014

It's Been a Good Day

I can't be the only one who does goofy stuff like this to keep themselves occupied.

I picked the five hottest women at my work and I keep track of how many of those five I see each day.  That's how I rate my day.

For example, I only saw four out of the five so today was a 4-star day.  Get it?  I know it's goofy but it passes the time.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Friday, May 30, 2014

What's That in the Road?

I was doing laundry the other day.  Yes, that's right ladies, men can do laundry too.  As I was taking the last few remaining items out of the dryer I saw several pieces of change in there.  I was alternating between picking up a piece of clothing and putting it in the basket and picking up a coin and putting it in my pocket.

Now let's skip ahead an hour or so.

I'm out and about running errands and I stopped by Taco Bell to grab some lunch.  Notice I didn't say a "good lunch"?  The girl behind the counter told me how much I owed and I reached into my pocket and I pulled out some kind of garment.

It seems as if I got carried away shoving coins in my pocket and I accidentally put some small item of clothing in there as well.  It was an honest mistake so I didn't think much about it until I noticed the girl behind the counter looking at me kind of strangely.  I looked down at the item of clothing in my hand and I realized it was a pair of my wife's panties.

It was at this point that I had a moment of clarity.  It was as if I was seeing myself from a third person's point of view, and what did I see?  I saw a grown man standing in the middle of Taco Bell holding a pair of women's panties.  I also saw that the man wasn't with a woman.  Therefore, it looked like this man was some kind of cross dresser, or he was attempting to pay for a smothered burrito with women's undergarments.

I quickly shoved them back into my pocket, paid for my food, and left as fast as possible while trying to not make eye contact with a single person.

As I was driving I started thinking about my situation.  These were obviously my wife's underwear and I just needed to take them back home.  But then I thought, "What if Mrs. Penguin is home and she sees me pulling a pair of her panties out of my pocket?"  She would never believe it was an accident.  No problem, if she was home when I got there I would just leave them in my car until I could safely return them.  That sounds like a great plan, right?  But what if I forgot them and at some point in the future Mrs. Penguin found them in my car?  I don't care if those things had her name and address stitched into them, there is no way I would be able to convince her that they didn't belong to another woman.

What to do, what to do?  Wait, I have an idea!  Yep, you guessed it.  I chucked those suckers out the window of my car and I never looked back.

I'm a real problem solver.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Globe Trekker

"I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to.  But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down." ---Mitch Hedberg

If you don't know who Mitch Hedberg is, you should look him up.  He was one of the best stand-up comedians of his time.  He died way too young.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Redheaded Update

I promise this will be the last post about Game of Thrones.

I just got to the episode where the character of Ygritte had a nude scene. Damn!  Rose Leslie is my new favorite actress.  Sorry Julia Stiles, you've been replaced.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Bows and Boobs

I've been catching up with the Game of Thrones series and this is my favorite character.  Why?  Because the actress is hot and I seem to have a thing for warrior women.  Where did that come from?  Plus she looks like Princess Merida from Brave.  That cartoon was oddly stimulating.

The last post was about Doctor Who and now this one is about Game of Thrones.  This blog is turning nerdy.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Friday, September 20, 2013


The low fuel indicator light in my car looks way too much like a Dalek.  It makes me think that my car wants to exterminate me.

All of you Doctor Who nerds will feel my fear.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Circle of Life

There are a couple of tiny kittens that have adopted my front porch as their new home.  It seems they have entered their killing phase because yesterday I found a dead mouse on my sidewalk.

GD1 and I were walking and she said;

GD1: Hey Papa, look at the damn mouse.
Me:  What?!
GD1:  Right there, it's a damn mouse.
Me:  What kind of mouse?
GD1:  It's a damn mouse.
Me:  Why are you calling it that?
GD1:  Because it's not alive anymore.
Me:  Wait, what?

It finally dawned on me that she was saying "dead mouse".

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

My Dog is a Butthead Part 2

After the vet debacle, I figured I'd take Han to the park so he could play.

I stopped by Sonic and grabbed me a burger so I could eat lunch while Han played.  I sat on a bench and Han ran to and fro peeing on everything and chasing geese.  He was swimming in the pond with the geese so I let my mind wander while I ate.  I didn't notice that Han jogged up and stood beside me.  Then he did the doggy shuffle.  You know what I'm talking about!  That weird shake thing wet dogs do.  The only problem was that Han holds about five gallons of water in his fur.  When he shakes I have flashbacks to my visit to Niagara Falls.

Normally I don't mind getting a little dog water on me but dang it, I was holding a burger!  And it was a good burger too.  I think he did it on purpose.  Butthead!

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

My Dog is a Butthead Part 1

"Han - Big yellow Labrador Retriever.  Friendliest dog ever!"

That's how I described him on my family page.  After yesterday I'm now convinced that he's a butthead.

I noticed that he had a small patch of hair missing so I was concerned about him.  Now I can't have my buddy being sick so I took him to the veterinarian to have him checked out and he made a serious fax pas. I guess the smell of all the animals that had been in that office freaked him out.  I could tell he was really nervous as soon as we walked in.  I started talking to the receptionist when I noticed an awful smell.  I turned around and Han was taking a huge poop right in the middle of the floor.  Since he was the only dog in the room it was kind of hard to blame it on anyone else.  I don't think they would have believed that huge pile came from the gerbil being held by the little girl.

Needless to say, that started our visit off on a sour note.

Footnote:  It turns out that Han has a small skin infection and I have some cream to put on him for a week or so.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Thursday, September 5, 2013

I'm a Real Whiz

Let me tell you how every one of my work days begin.

My alarm goes off at 3:30 AM and I jump out of bed to turn it off before it wakes up anyone else in the house.  I'm very considerate like that! Then I prowl through my dresser for underwear and socks and then my closet looking for the rest of my clothes.

Here are a couple of facts that I've left out.  I do my clothes shopping by the light of my phone.  Why?  So I don't wake up Mrs. Penguin.  Again, I'm considerate like that.  It's hard enough trying to find socks that match or a shirt and pants that go together when I'm at my best, but at 3:30 in the morning while I'm half asleep and almost completely blinded by the lack of light is a herculean task.  Here's the other fact that I've left out, when I wake up every morning I'm on the verge of peeing all over myself.  I'm talking about a beaver's dam trying to hold back Noah's flood.

Now since I'm so considerate, I don't like to leave the room and then come back because I'm afraid I'll make too much noise and wake up Mrs. Penguin.  See what a nice guy I am?  What I end up doing is quickly jerking clothes out of the closet while I go back and forth from foot to foot doing the Pee Pee Dance.

I'm a grown man, yet this is my life *sigh*.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin