You're Not As Cool As You Think You Are

I don't care if it's Facebook, Twitter or your blog, if you're shirtless in your profile picture then you're a douche.  Unless you're a hot chick but even then there are rules.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Loosen Your Belt

If you work really hard and believe in yourself, every pizza is a personal pizza.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

It Was A No-Win Situation for Me

Let me set the scene for you:  Mrs. Penguin and I are at the beach and a young woman in a bikini walks by.

Mrs. Penguin:  Boy, she has a nice boy.
Me:  You use to look like that.

Let me set the scene for you:  Me sleeping on the couch.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

In Honor of the Tour de France

Why can't a bicycle stand on it's own?

Because it's too tired.

Get it?  "too tired" = "two tired".
It has two tires..
Oh come on!  That was funny!

I've got to get a more immature audience.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

I Promise I'm Paying Attention

Does anyone else sit in church and count things in the crowd?
Things like;
How many people are wearing blue shirts?
How many men are balding?
How many attractive women are there?
How many people would I being willing to bet are smokers?
How many people are playing on their phones?
How many people are counting me?


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Super Genius

I hate that Wile E. Coyote will go down in history for his inability to catch that roadrunner and not his incredible talent of painting tunnels on the side of cliffs.  He was a true artist.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Luck of the Irish

If Irish people are so lucky, why don't they win more lotteries?

Just wondering.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

It Brings Out the Color in Your Eyes

Have you noticed there aren't many fashion blogs that feature the burka?

Fashion blogs confuse me.  How does someone get thousands of followers just by telling people what they're wearing everyday?

I'm lucky to find socks that match, so I can't spend too much time worrying about what someone else is wearing.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

An Angel from Asgard

See the woman in the picture?  Her name is Katheryn Winnick and she's an actress who stars in the History Channel show Vikings.  She's a beautiful, glamorous woman and there are tons of shots of her on the internet where she's looking sexy in designer clothes or bikinis but I think she looks best as a shieldmaiden.  There's just something about the way she pulls off this look.

I need to move to Scandinavia.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

I was visiting and elderly woman and the TV in the room was tuned to Dog the Bounty Hunter.  If you've never seen this show then you should consider yourself lucky.  It is the stupidest show since The Brady Bunch went to Hawaii.

Speaking of Hawaii, that's part of this story.  Dog and his family are bounty hunters that live in Hawaii.  On this particular episode Dog notices that one of the people they're looking for has left Hawaii and went to Las Vegas.  Dog said that they are now an "international fugitive".  I'm not sure if he doesn't know the meaning of the word "international" or if he doesn't know that Hawaii and Nevada are in the same nation.  I think his mullet is strangling his brain.  Either that or he's high from all that hairspray that he uses.

There are two things about the show that cracks me up.  First, the whole "team" uses either paintball guns or pepper spray because they're all felons who can't carry real guns.  Second, they have to bleep every other word they say but whenever they capture someone they start preaching about Jesus to them.  Hypocrites.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

All Hail Caesar

The next time you think you've done something stupid just remember the Roman leader Caligula.  He declared war on the Greek god Poseidon so he had is entire army march to the sea and attack the water.

All I can picture is a bunch of dudes in leather skirts stabbing waves with spears.  If you were one of those soldiers how could you face your family that evening?  I feel bad enough when people ask me how my day went and I have to admit that I took a four hour nap in my office.  Imagine if you had to tell them that you spent the day poking water with a sword.  I guess it would be a little better if you stabbed a fish or something while you were there.

Ah Caligula, you crazy toga wearing Roman, you have to be considered the worst leader any country has ever had.  Oh wait....Obama.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Splish Splash

Am I the only one who sits in the bathtub and pretends like they're skinny dipping?  How about standing in the shower and pretending like you're naked in the rain?


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Crap Apple

What did we do on while we were on the toilet before we had smart phones?

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Someone Go Get My Nobel Prize

I'm such a genius.  I was sitting here minding my own business when I found the key to world peace.  Are you ready for it?  Here it comes...

BIKINI CONTESTS

Oh yeah, you read that right.  We could settle all of the wars with bikini contests.  What, there's a dispute over a border?  We'll get a bunch of beautiful women from our country and you get a bunch of sexy women from your country and we'll settle this like men. It's perfect.

How has no one thought of this?  I feel like Einstein discovering the theory of relativity, or Neil Armstrong taking that first step on the moon, or Mr. Twix when he figured out that he could trick people into thinking they had more candy if he just made two smaller pieces.

There is one drawback to all of this.  Since the country with the best bikini clad women would dominate all conflicts, that means we better all start learning Danish really quickly.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Italian Workmanship

I'm constantly being made fun of at work because of the size of my car.  One of the topics that comes up a lot is what would happen if I hit a deer?  Yesterday, I found out.

I'm taking GD1 home to her mother at 10 o'clock at night.  Why?  Because she's all about spending the night at our house until the word "bedtime" is mentioned.  Then she suddenly misses her mother who lets her stay up until there is nothing left on TV except a continuous loop of SportsCenter.

Everything was going good on the trip until a suicidal deer runs out into the road.  I have to tell you, I performed some serious Bo Duke style driving.  I had that car looking like we were auditioning for Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift 2.  I drifted to the right, I performed a hairpin turn to the left, I'm telling you I was shucking and diving that little car.  The deer kept changing directions and trying to commit suicide by Fiat but I was too fast for him.  If he would bob, I would weave.  If he would zig, I would zag.  If he would peanut butter, I would jelly.  I owned him!  I slid around him without even messing up his hair.  I felt like a true master of machine and beast.

Then I saw his friend.

BLAM!  THUD!

Listen, I understand that the first deer was suicidal.  Maybe his girl had just left him, or maybe he had some deep seated mommy-issues.  Whatever the case may be, it was obvious that he wanted to die.  I'm sure he didn't want to face the end all alone so he asked his friend to come with him and hold his hoof as he went into the light.  Never in any one's mind did the thought occur that he would live but his friend would snuff it.  Oh, the irony.

By now I had come to a complete stop.  I jumped out of the car and ran around to the front.  There was no deer.  I looked around and there was the deer standing in the road looking at me with a "eff you" look on his face.  I couldn't believe it.  He wasn't even hurt.  Great, he totaled my car and he was going to get away with it.  I looked at my car and...

There wasn't a scratch on it!  The bugs on the front were a little flatter but that was it.  I looked at the deer and gave him a "eff you too" look.  If the world would have evolved to the point were all men and animals understood each other, then I'm sure at that moment we would have fist bumped and gave each other a little nod in a manly fashion.  As it was, we simply went along our merry way.

Don't judge me,

Opus T. Penguin

Time Flies

Holy crap, I can't believe it's been almost eight months since I've updated this blog.  I feel like such a failure. I'll try to update you on what's been going on in my life.  I'll just hit the highlights on a month by month basis.

Let me give you some background before I begin.  I work in a small department with three other people.  One of the people I worked with committed suicide back in August.  We knew he was a "little off" for a while but we found out later that he was feeling off kilter and he went to see several doctors.  The doctors gave him a combination of mood altering drugs that obviously didn't go together real well.  After a bad day at work, he went to see a doctor and then went home and shot himself.  We were all stunned.

He was replaced by a guy who worked for three months then went back to his old job.  That guy was replaced by a guy who worked for a couple of months and proceeded to leave work one day and have a stroke.  That guy was replaced by another guy who is hanging around at the moment.

However, one of the other guys that has been here since the beginning has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

I'm starting to think that my department is cursed.

Sorry for such a downer post after such a long delay.  I'll try to lighten it up.

November

Thanksgiving!  For any non-American who doesn't know what Thanksgiving is, let me explain.  It is about (blah blah blah) pilgrims (blah blah blah) family (blah blah blah) being thankful. And FOOD!  This year I decided I was moving away from a traditional turkey so I made a goose, a duck, and some quail.  It was yummy.  As a matter of fact, I ate so much that I'm still full.

December

December 21 I got out of bed at 3:30AM, worked until 8:00PM, drove home, grabbed my suitcase and D3, drove 15 hours, hung out in Pittsburgh all day, got a couple of hotel rooms for the night, got up the next morning, watched the Pittsburgh Steelers play (!!!), drove 15 hours back home, and enjoyed Christmas with my family.  It was a great weekend.

January

Mrs. Penguin and I started an online business.  Nothing big, just something we could do together.  D1 decided that she would try her luck at it as well and she's kicking our butts.

February

I had a birthday.  Yeah, me!

March

I don't really remember what happened in March... or April... or May.  It couldn't have been too awesome.

Oh well, that brings us up to date.  I'll try to be better, I promise.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin