I was doing laundry the other day. Yes, that's right ladies, men can do laundry too. As I was taking the last few remaining items out of the dryer I saw several pieces of change in there. I was alternating between picking up a piece of clothing and putting it in the basket and picking up a coin and putting it in my pocket.
Now let's skip ahead an hour or so.
I'm out and about running errands and I stopped by Taco Bell to grab some lunch. Notice I didn't say a "good lunch"? The girl behind the counter told me how much I owed and I reached into my pocket and I pulled out some kind of garment.
It seems as if I got carried away shoving coins in my pocket and I accidentally put some small item of clothing in there as well. It was an honest mistake so I didn't think much about it until I noticed the girl behind the counter looking at me kind of strangely. I looked down at the item of clothing in my hand and I realized it was a pair of my wife's panties.
It was at this point that I had a moment of clarity. It was as if I was seeing myself from a third person's point of view, and what did I see? I saw a grown man standing in the middle of Taco Bell holding a pair of women's panties. I also saw that the man wasn't with a woman. Therefore, it looked like this man was some kind of cross dresser, or he was attempting to pay for a smothered burrito with women's undergarments.
I quickly shoved them back into my pocket, paid for my food, and left as fast as possible while trying to not make eye contact with a single person.
As I was driving I started thinking about my situation. These were obviously my wife's underwear and I just needed to take them back home. But then I thought, "What if Mrs. Penguin is home and she sees me pulling a pair of her panties out of my pocket?" She would never believe it was an accident. No problem, if she was home when I got there I would just leave them in my car until I could safely return them. That sounds like a great plan, right? But what if I forgot them and at some point in the future Mrs. Penguin found them in my car? I don't care if those things had her name and address stitched into them, there is no way I would be able to convince her that they didn't belong to another woman.
What to do, what to do? Wait, I have an idea! Yep, you guessed it. I chucked those suckers out the window of my car and I never looked back.
I'm a real problem solver.
Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin
