Higher Learning

I'm thinking about going back to school.  Does anyone know if it's possible to major in sitting on the couch watching old reruns of The Simpsons?  I'm pretty sure I could test high enough to bypass the first couple of semesters.

If I did go back to college, the first thing I would do is join a sorority.  Yeah, I know they're for girls but this is my fantasy and I would appreciate it if you didn't ruin it.  It would be great, classes in the morning to sharpen my mind and broaden my horizons, then bikini pillow fights at night to make sure I was all tuckered out so I could sleep with a smile on my face.

Before you ask, yes, I do look great in a bikini.  Well, "great" may be too strong of a word.  Let's just say I'm a mix between Gisele Bundchen and the Snuffaluffagus from Sesame Street.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

The Old Man is Snoring

It's raining!  It's been so long that I've forgotten what it sounds like.  Maybe I can actually go a day without having to water my peach tree. 

Side note:  I have a peach tree.  Jealous?

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

What Was I Thinking?

Sorry about that last post.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Random Post

I just farted.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

That's Not a Cat Toy

I have a new kitten.  It's a long story about a rescue and bottle feeding that we will get into at a later time.

Mrs. Penguin puts the kitten in the bathroom at night so it won't have to search for the litter box.  The cat is getting really playful and it likes to launch itself at me when I walk by.

Let me tell you right now that I am not a morning person.  I get up at 3:30 in the morning and I'm basically a member of the walking dead for the first couple of hours.  That being said, it's always a surprise when a ball of fluffy holding tiny knives suddenly pounces on me while I'm still half asleep.  This morning the kitty waited until just before I stepped into the shower.  That's when I noticed that she can leap higher than I thought and she seems to have a target in mind.

I'm trying to keep this blog family oriented so I will just say; our cat will be sleeping in another room from now on.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

I'm Not Really Feeling Motivated

I just saw a so-called motivational picture that said,
"Tomorrow is a blank page, just waiting to be filled with your dreams." 
It had a lot more to say but I just want to focus on that part. 
What kind of egotistical goober came up with that quote?  "Tomorrow is a blank page"? 
Really?  I'm pretty sure tomorrow had things planned whether you decided to participate or not.

It's like saying, "The world will only keep turning if you believe that unicorns poop crayons."

Yeah, right!

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Shag-a-delic

This was the dream I had the other night;

Mrs. Penguin and I are sitting in a restaurant and Dr. Evil's helicopter lands.  (yes, the same Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies)  He gets out of the helicopter and starts to walk through the restaurant.  Mrs. Penguin starts yelling at him about how she never got her salad and now he owes her a meal.  He agrees and Mrs. Penguin goes to him and they return to his helicopter and fly off.

At this point I wake up and I am pissed!  How dare she just leave me sitting by myself like that.  It took me a few minutes to realize it was a dream but I was so mad that I couldn't go back to sleep.  I laid there from 2:00AM until my alarm went off at 3:30AM just fuming about that dream.  At one point I was thinking, "If she thinks I'm just going to sit here until she gets back then she's crazy.  Dr. Evil can give her a ride home."  Then I came to my senses and thought, "What the hell am I saying?  It was a dream!"

I told Mrs. Penguin about it that morning and she thought it was pretty funny.  I failed to find the humor.

By the way, if you want a free DVD of the three Austin Powers movies you can find them laying in a trashcan next to the curb in front of my house.


Don't judge me,

Opus T. Penguin

I Should Really Start Listening to My Wife

An actual phone conversation that took place.
Let me set the scene for you.
It's 6:30 in the morning and I'm sitting in my office.
I decided to make a harmless phone call to my wife.

Phone:  ring  ring  ring
Mrs. Penguin: What do you want?!
Me:  Uh... hello honey.
Mrs. Penguin:  Why are you calling me?
Me:  I always call you on your way to work.
Mrs. Penguin:  Did you forget that I'm off today.
Me:  Apparently I did.
(several seconds of silence)
Me:  So, whatcha' doing?
Phone:  click!

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

He Had a Very Shiny Nose

I was driving home yesterday and I started thinking about that old clay-mation Christmas show Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  I have no idea how it came to mind but that's not important for this story.  Just stay focused and let's stick to the facts.

I started thinking about the character Yukon Cornelius.  He was a prospector who would throw his pick into the air and it would stick in the snow.  He would grab it, sniff it and then lick it.  At the end of the show you find out that he was searching for a lost peppermint mine the whole time.

That started me thinking about peppermints and candy canes and I started to wonder if the red part and the white part of the candy tastes different.

Does anyone know?  Since there is candy involved I am willing to do some research to unravel  this mystery.  I'll be like that owl that figured out how many licks it took to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

In case you're wondering, the owl said it took three licks.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

My First (and probably my last) Contest

I just got back from my vacation and I had so much fun that I've decided to spread around some of the joy by holding a contest.  The rules are simple; the first person to leave a comment that says where I went on my vacation will be the winner.

What does the winner get?  I'm glad you asked.  (drum roll)  The next time I'm eating tomato soup I promise to think fondly of the winner while I'm putting in the oyster crackers.  That's right!  Wheel of Fortune can kiss my butt because with a prize like this we're all winners.

I know you're slobbering all over your keyboard right now at the thought of such a prize and you really want me to shut up and get to the contest.  First of all, don't be so pushy.  Second, I have to tell you how we're going to play.  It's simple, I'm going to show a photograph and you have to guess where it was taken.  Piece of cake.

Crap, now I want some cake.

Oh well, here we go.

Can you figure it out?

Don't get excited, it's not what you think.  This picture was actually taken in Ohio.  I was just screwing with you.  This wasn't my final destination of my vacation.





There you go.  Such an iconic American symbol like that must be a dead giveaway.
Seriously, that's no enough?  Can you people even pick out America on a map?  I'm ashamed of the state in which the education system of this country has fallen.  Shameful.
OK, one more tip.

There you go.  The first to pick the spot will win the jackpot and forever be remembered whenever I eat oyster crackers.

Sorry the picture quality is crappy.  As a professional photographer it's a stain on my soul that the only shots I had available were from my phone.  I haven't had time to process the ones I took with my camera.

What's that?  You didn't know I was a professional photographer?  Well yes I am.  A professional is defined by someone who gets paid for performing a service or providing goods.  A long time ago Mrs. Penguin said that she would pay me if I quit trying to take pictures of her while she was in the shower.  There was money and a camera involved so I think that counts.

As always...

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin