I'm a Real Whiz

Let me tell you how every one of my work days begin.

My alarm goes off at 3:30 AM and I jump out of bed to turn it off before it wakes up anyone else in the house.  I'm very considerate like that! Then I prowl through my dresser for underwear and socks and then my closet looking for the rest of my clothes.

Here are a couple of facts that I've left out.  I do my clothes shopping by the light of my phone.  Why?  So I don't wake up Mrs. Penguin.  Again, I'm considerate like that.  It's hard enough trying to find socks that match or a shirt and pants that go together when I'm at my best, but at 3:30 in the morning while I'm half asleep and almost completely blinded by the lack of light is a herculean task.  Here's the other fact that I've left out, when I wake up every morning I'm on the verge of peeing all over myself.  I'm talking about a beaver's dam trying to hold back Noah's flood.

Now since I'm so considerate, I don't like to leave the room and then come back because I'm afraid I'll make too much noise and wake up Mrs. Penguin.  See what a nice guy I am?  What I end up doing is quickly jerking clothes out of the closet while I go back and forth from foot to foot doing the Pee Pee Dance.

I'm a grown man, yet this is my life *sigh*.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

I'm a Monster

A couple of days ago I went with several family members to a Mexican restaurant for lunch.  I'm not really sure what the dish was that I ate but it had strips of steaks, strips of chicken, pieces of bacon, and shrimp in it.  I was eating it without much thought other than, "This tastes pretty good."

After we left the restaurant, I started thinking about that dish and I realized that a cow, a pig, a chicken, and several shrimp had to die for that one meal (and I'm pretty sure I saw a dead fly in there too).  Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge meat-eater but that was just too much death for one person's lunch.

I'm not saying that I'm suddenly going to start grazing on bean sprouts and tofu but I think I'll limit myself to killing just one animal per meal.  It's my little way of helping our little animal friends.

Two notes about this post;

1) I know this sounded cruel but keep in mind that this post was done tongue-in-cheek.

2)Notice the picture?  I did a quick search for a picture of "PETA" to put on this blog as joke about saving animals but I couldn't resist taking a jab at those hypocritical a-holes.  Also, if you search for "PETA" you will come across lots of pictures of a half-naked actress named Peta Wilson.  Just FYI.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Our Town's Sheriff Has Fleas

Han, my oversize and over friendly Labrador Retriever, was playing with some other dogs the other day and one of the dogs, a black Dachshund named Gretel, was being mean to a little puppy.  Han calmly walked over, picked her up in his mouth, carried her to a corner of the fence, set her down, and stood there and watched her.  Neither dog moved for a good five or ten minutes.  Finally, Han got up and walked away and Gretel went back to playing.

Then it hit me, my dog just put another dog in "time-out".


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Let's Get Ready to Rumble

I just poured Super Glue into a non-stick pan.  Somebody is about to be wrong.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

What I'm Currently Reading

I've been putting if off forever but I finally broke down and started A Game of Thrones.  I'm only a few chapters in but I'm liking the characters so far.

By the way, the first person that spoils any of it for me will be beaten about the head and neck with a German chocolate cake.  I'm serious!


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

I'm a Junkie

Netflix, you're killing me.  I'm trying to catch up with the last season of Breaking Bad and you keep buffering.  Not cool, Dude.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

He Shoots, He Scores

Mrs. Penguin and I took Opus Jr. and a couple of the grand kids to Chuck E. Cheese the other day.  While we were there Opus Jr. challenged me to a game of air hockey.  I guess the young lion thought it was time for him to challenge the alpha male for the right to rule the pride.

We're playing and I'm beating him like a drum, of course.  I'm serious, it wasn't even close.  I think the score was seven to zero or something like that.  He was getting pretty frustrated and he was determined to at least score one goal.  He had the puck sitting right in front of him and he was planning on making the world's most powerful air hockey shot.  He had the little paddle in his hand, he cocked his arm back as far as he could, he slammed the paddle forward in a sweeping arc of power and majesty, and he completely missed the puck.  The paddle went zooming through the air and passed within inches of my head.  The best part of this trick shot is after he let go of the paddle he pulled his arm back and it brushed the puck that was still sitting right where he left it and it slid back into his own goal.

I busted out laughing and he started whining about how that goal shouldn't count. After I stopped laughing I told him that I would let him make one goal to make up for that one.  I moved my paddle off the table and presented him with a wide open goal.  He tapped the puck and it slid slowly toward my end of the table.  I couldn't help myself, at the last second I reached down with my paddle and smacked the puck back toward the other end.  He wasn't expecting it so he couldn't react in time and the puck went into the goal.  Now he was really howling!

Okay, I apologized and promised him that he could have two goals and I wouldn't trick him again.  This time he made me step back from the table.  He wasn't taking any chances so instead of just tapping the puck he smacked it pretty hard.  He was so concerned about my blocking it at the last second that he didn't take the time to aim very well.  Big mistake!  The puck missed my goal, rebounded off the wall and shot like a rocket right across the table and into his goal.

At this point I was laughing so hard that I was on the floor with tears in my eyes.  When I finally got my breath back I went to say something to Opus Jr. but he was gone.  Apparently he just put his paddle down and walked off without saying a word.  To this day that game has never been discussed again.

Some people are sore losers.  Then again, some people are sore winners too.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Talking Dirty

Last weekend Mrs. Penguin and I went to a farmers market.  We checked out all the fresh produce and bought a few we've never heard of before.

The thing that caught my attention was all the spices.  I'm use to seeing spices in little bottles, so it was weird seeing huge piles of fresh spices.  I was like a kid in a candy store and I had to smell about every single one of them.

Let's fast forward to lunch.  We went to eat at a little BBQ place and I whenever I went to eat something I noticed that it smelled great but the taste was rather bland.  It wasn't until after we left that I figured out the smell was coming from all the spices on my hands from the farmers market.  I turned to Mrs. Penguin and said, "I should have rubbed my hands all over my meat."  Her response was, "Do whatever you have to do, just don't tell me about it and clean up after yourself."


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

What I'm Currently Reading

Dan Brown's Inferno.

Without a doubt, he has a definite style.  It's almost as if you're reading a history book more than a mystery novel.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Their Service was Garbage

We used a service to pick up our household trash that was a complete joke.  If we were lucky, they would pick up our trash once a month instead of once a week like they were suppose to do. Back in February we called and cancelled our contract with them.  Yesterday we received another bill from them.  This is the conversation I had on the phone:

Garbage Man:  Hello.
Me:  Hello, we had service with you but we cancelled it four months ago and I just got a bill in the mail.  As a matter of fact, I've gotten a bill ever month.
Garbage Man:  Obviously the service wasn't cancelled.
Me:  Didn't you notice that I haven't paid you for months or that you haven't picked up our trash either?
Garbage Man:  Uhhh....
Me:  Listen, even when we did pay you, you never showed up on the right day or you only picked up a portion of the trash.
Garbage Man:  Uhhh...
Me:  That's not important anymore because we're using someone else now.  You need to just stop sending us bills.
Garbage Man:  Well, you're going to have to pay the final bill.
Me:  Why?  You didn't do anything to earn that money?
Garbage Man:  But we still had you on our books so it will have to be paid.
Me:  Let me get this straight, if I hadn't called I could have just not paid the bill and no one would have noticed.  Heck, you might of still picked up my trash once or twice a month even if I didn't pay.
Garbage Man:  We would have noticed and turned you over to a collection agency.
Me:  Why am I arguing with you?  You want to get paid?  Fine!  I'll drop the check into our trash can and put in by the curb.  Let's see how long it takes you to pick it up.

Just for the record, I'm not paying them squat.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin