You're Not As Cool As You Think You Are

I don't care if it's Facebook, Twitter or your blog, if you're shirtless in your profile picture then you're a douche.  Unless you're a hot chick but even then there are rules.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Loosen Your Belt

If you work really hard and believe in yourself, every pizza is a personal pizza.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

It Was A No-Win Situation for Me

Let me set the scene for you:  Mrs. Penguin and I are at the beach and a young woman in a bikini walks by.

Mrs. Penguin:  Boy, she has a nice boy.
Me:  You use to look like that.

Let me set the scene for you:  Me sleeping on the couch.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

In Honor of the Tour de France

Why can't a bicycle stand on it's own?

Because it's too tired.

Get it?  "too tired" = "two tired".
It has two tires..
Oh come on!  That was funny!

I've got to get a more immature audience.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

I Promise I'm Paying Attention

Does anyone else sit in church and count things in the crowd?
Things like;
How many people are wearing blue shirts?
How many men are balding?
How many attractive women are there?
How many people would I being willing to bet are smokers?
How many people are playing on their phones?
How many people are counting me?


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Super Genius

I hate that Wile E. Coyote will go down in history for his inability to catch that roadrunner and not his incredible talent of painting tunnels on the side of cliffs.  He was a true artist.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Luck of the Irish

If Irish people are so lucky, why don't they win more lotteries?

Just wondering.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

It Brings Out the Color in Your Eyes

Have you noticed there aren't many fashion blogs that feature the burka?

Fashion blogs confuse me.  How does someone get thousands of followers just by telling people what they're wearing everyday?

I'm lucky to find socks that match, so I can't spend too much time worrying about what someone else is wearing.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

An Angel from Asgard

See the woman in the picture?  Her name is Katheryn Winnick and she's an actress who stars in the History Channel show Vikings.  She's a beautiful, glamorous woman and there are tons of shots of her on the internet where she's looking sexy in designer clothes or bikinis but I think she looks best as a shieldmaiden.  There's just something about the way she pulls off this look.

I need to move to Scandinavia.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

I was visiting and elderly woman and the TV in the room was tuned to Dog the Bounty Hunter.  If you've never seen this show then you should consider yourself lucky.  It is the stupidest show since The Brady Bunch went to Hawaii.

Speaking of Hawaii, that's part of this story.  Dog and his family are bounty hunters that live in Hawaii.  On this particular episode Dog notices that one of the people they're looking for has left Hawaii and went to Las Vegas.  Dog said that they are now an "international fugitive".  I'm not sure if he doesn't know the meaning of the word "international" or if he doesn't know that Hawaii and Nevada are in the same nation.  I think his mullet is strangling his brain.  Either that or he's high from all that hairspray that he uses.

There are two things about the show that cracks me up.  First, the whole "team" uses either paintball guns or pepper spray because they're all felons who can't carry real guns.  Second, they have to bleep every other word they say but whenever they capture someone they start preaching about Jesus to them.  Hypocrites.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin