Miss Piggy has a Frog in Her Throat

I've always wondered if Fozzie the Bear ever realized he was a bear and decided to maul the crap out of those two guys in the balcony that kept heckling him.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

August, You Da' Man

That last post has pushed August over the top.  I have published more posts in August than any month since I've started this blog. 

The cherry on top of this accomplishment is the fact that the post that put August in the lead happens to be the one showing a nearly naked Salma Hayek.  Of course, any post showing a nearly naked Salma Hayek is a good one but that's not the point.

I feel like I should have a parade in August's honor.  I wonder if New York City will let me drive down Broadway with August in the back of a convertible while strangers throw old lottery tickets out the window at me.

Oh yeah, the first person that points out the fact that this is only the second month of this blog will get a serious purple-nurple!


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

This is a Free Country

What's the point?  There isn't a point but it's my blog and I think there should be a picture of Salma Hayek in a bikini.  'Nuff said.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Giving Peas a Black Eye

The Curiosity rover that is currently cruising around Mars broadcast music today.  The song was a new one by Will.i.am.  I think that's great.  Finally they have found a place where his music won't annoy the hell out of people.  If only we could send all of Nicki Minaj's music to Venus then we could really make this a better world for all.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

I Just Vomited a Little in My Mouth

Sara Louise at Sara in Le Petit Village had a post about having too many zucchinis and she didn't know what to do with all of them.  It's very early in the morning in this part of the world and the part of my brain that tells me not to say something stupid must still be asleep.  I commented on her post that she needs to make zucchini smoothies.  Really?!  That's the best that I could come up with?  I feel so dirty.

Sorry Sara Louise.

By the way, does anyone else see a zucchini duck in that picture or is it just me?


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Urine Luck

Just to let you know, I'm not fixated on urine or anything like that, it's just a weird coincidence that I've written two posts about it.

I stopped at a little gas station to get something to drink and use the bathroom the other day.  I go into the little stall and take a whiz.  When I turn around there is an older gentleman standing there looking at me.  This is our conversation;

Creepy Old Man:  Do you know what they call a person that pees with the seat down? A woman!
Me:  Do you know what they call a guy that watches a strange man pee?

A look of shock struck his face as I pushed my way past him.  As I exited the door I glanced back and he was still standing there with his mouth hanging open.

I don't know if he was the toilet seat police or just an old weirdo but things like that keep happening to me.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

The Great Sock Migration

I need someone from Australia to do me a favor.  Could you look around and see if you see a bunch of socks with American accents?  I've looked all over my house and I can't find any of my socks so I'm assuming they're on the other side of the world.  If you could round them up and mail them back to me I would really appreciate it.

By the way, I went with "The Great Sock Migration" but it was a toss up between that and "Throw Another Sock on the Barbie" for the title of this post.  I kind of regret my decision now.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Yes, I Know It's Crooked

This is the picture that hangs directly above my desk at work.

I'm so bored that I'm taking pictures of a picture.

There's actually a weird reason that it's there.

A picture use to hang in the outer part of my office but every time a certain bigwig brought in a customer he would reference the picture by saying "Look at beautiful downtown Smallville."  Then he would make this gutteral laugh that, although I've never heard it, sounded to me like a walrus receiving oral sex.  It drove me nuts.

I spend a couple of years trying to find out who was in charge of decorating our business.  No one seemed to know so I assumed no one would care if I redecorated my part.  I looked around until I found a picture that I liked then asked the manager of that department if they would trade with me.  They were cool with it so I swapped pictures.  Only, it wasn't that easy.  The pictures had different modes of support.  I had to remove all the hardware on the backs of the frames and swap them.  It took several hours and there was quite a bit of blood and cussing.

I was so proud of myself.  That feeling lasted for two days.  The very next time that bigwig came into my office with a client he looked at the new picture and said, "Yeah, I finally got them to change the pictures in here."  What?!

The minute they left I yanked down that picture, hung it directly over my desk and filled the empty space with a medical poster showing a diseased smoker's lung.  Let him take credit for that!


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

I Don't Get Around Very Much

visited 30 states (60%)




visited 3 states (1.33%)


The red parts are places I've been.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Hey Frank, Nice Dress

If you're a man and you list The Notebook as one of your favorite movies then you need to turn in your man-card and buy yourself a nice pair of open-toe pumps.

Listen, I enjoy seeing hot chicks in wet t-shirts as much as the next guy but there hasn't been a bigger chick-flick since Steel Magnolias.  By the way, that movie blew chucks too.

I know this movie is several years old but I just saw a guy using the movie poster as his avatar.  Wrong, so wrong.

Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin