Not Pretty or Smart

While sitting in my living room with Daughter #1, we were watching her two daughters play when she turned to me and teasingly said;

D1:  I bet you wish your children were as pretty as mine.
Me:  You're one of my children.
(long pause)
D1:  Did I just call myself ugly?
Me:  Yes, yes you did.

Not my proudest moment as a parent.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

I Was in the Right Place to Repent

Yesterday I was sitting on a chair at church and Mrs. Penguin's best friend was standing next to me.  I was looking at pictures on my phone (this was before services had started) and I dropped my phone.  It landing right between Mrs. Penguin's friends feet.  I didn't think anything about it, I just picked it up.  When I looked at the screen I saw that it had switched from viewing pictures to the camera.  It didn't take a picture but it got me thinking.

What if that had taken a picture when it landed?  It would have been a perfect shot right up Mrs. Penguin's friends dress.  That would have been a little hard to explain.  I'm sure Mrs. Penguin would understand that I was a sick degenerate who simply wanted to see her friend's panties and she would have called me a pervert and started the divorce proceedings.  There would have been no muss or fuss.  However, since we were in church at the time, I'm pretty sure she would have called me the devil, plunged a cross straight through my heart, burned my body and then sent the ashes to the Pope for an excorism.

I do want to make one thing perfectly clear about this post.  I dropped my phone on accident and there was no picture.  Got it?  I don't want anyone thinking I'm one of those creepy guys that hang out at the park watching the female joggers while I play with "the change in my pocket".


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

We have a cleaning woman in our company that spends more time talking than she does cleaning.  She is sweet as she can be but every time she walks into an office she will be there for 30 minutes just talking.  She will clean for five minutes then talk for half an hour about anything on her mind.

Recently she has had a "helper" going around with her.  I thought she was probably training her replacement without even knowing it.  I would be willing to bet that was the original plan but there was a glitch.  It seems that this woman will work like a house-elf as long as she has someone to talk to.  The other woman doesn't even do anything.  She just follows her around and talks to her.  I'm assuming she actually works here, she may just be a friend of the cleaning woman that has nothing else to do during he day.

If you think about it, it makes sense for the company.
1 woman = 10% of the work.
2 women = 110% of the work

footnote:  Our cleaning woman looks nothing like the french maid in the picture.  Not even close!  As a matter of fact, I'm not entirely sure they are the same species.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Would You Like a Tissue and Some Privacy?

If you were in the middle of a conversation with someone, would you whip out a roll of toilet paper and proceed to casually wipe your butt?  Why do people assume that it is OK to blow their nose while talking to other people?  It's nasty.  The best part is after they blow their nose they will look into the tissue and smile like they've won a prize.

People are weird.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

I'm Really Pissed Off

I think  am pretty sure my dog pee'd in my left shoe last night.  It's been feeling weird all day.  There is a certain four-legged butthead that is in for a world of trouble when I get home.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Joining the Amy Carter Support Group

The Democratic National Convention has been all over TV for the last few days.  This morning they were showing some clips from last night and they showed Obama with his two daughters.  That got me thinking...

I assume Obama's kids are surrounded by yes-men just like their dad is, but I wonder if they actually know that their father is considered the worst president this country has ever seen.  Do they actually read reports about how Jimmy Carter is thankful that Obama sucks so bad because now everyone will forget about how bad he screwed up while he was in office?

It just makes you wonder how shielded the kids are when their parents are in office.  Did Chelsea Clinton know that her dad was using the Oval Office as his private S&M club so he could violate interns with cigars or did she find out only after she left the White House?

It makes me glad that my dad was a truck driver and not a politician.  On the same hand, I'm sure my kids are happy that I'm too big of a doofus to get elected to anything.

footnote:  If you're a supporter of Obama and I've offended you please leave me a comment and I will do everything I can to make it right.  By "make it right" I mean I will read your comment and laugh at you until I pass out.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

I stopped to get gas this morning on my way to work and I stumbled into a real life episode of COPS.

There was a woman officer standing between her police car and another car and she was talking to a young man.  The man was obviously drunk and he's leaning over the woman and yelling at her.  She's talking into her radio that she has on her shoulder while slowly trying to back away from the guy.  It looks like the guy is about to hit the cop when out of nowhere this other guy shows up.  He calmly walks up behind the drunk guy, wraps an arm around the guy's neck in a choke hold, uses his other hand to open the back door of the police car, throws the guy inside, slams the door, and then just walks away.  It was like something out of a Chuck Norris movie.  The cop was so stunned that she never even said anything to the man.

My first three thoughts were;
1) That was surreal.
2) What kind of person is drunk at 4:00 in the morning on a weekday?
3) Since everyone here is focused on what just happened, I wonder if I can sneak off without paying for my gas.

Just for the record, I did pay for my gas.  I was afraid not to pay.  I thought Zorro, Batman, the boogie man, or whoever he was would pop out of the dark again and get me.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Wasn't Their Drummer Named "Ringo"?

Whatever happened to the Dixie Chicks?  They were huge, then they shot their mouths off and disappeared.

It's a shame.  I always thought their lead singer, Natalie Maines, was cute in a chunky sort of way.  I always got the impression that she was one Pabst Blue Ribbon away from yanking up her shirt and showing everyone the goods and I really wanted to be there when that happened.

Oh yeah, they also made music.  Of course it was music that sounded like someone trying to shove a cat up a canary's butt.

footnote:  I hope whoever worked on that picture received the Photoshop equivalency to an Academy Award for all the effort they put into that.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

There needs to be a special island where we can send women every 28 days.  I'm not trying to punish them so it can be a really nice island.  I'll bet Hawaii has one that they're not really using.

Since it's election season, if there was a candidate that ran on the "3 Days a Month in Hawaii" platform I can guarantee they would win by a landslide.  However, they may not carry the Hawaiian vote.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin

Rednecks on Tour

I took the tribe on vacation to Niagara Falls last month.  We took the boat tour called The Maid of the Mist that takes you right up next to the falls.  They give you a plastic rain jacket so I expected to get a little wet.  I didn't expect to get soaked to the bone.

We were on the top deck of the boat and there was a group of Chinese people standing right next to me.  How do I know they were Chinese?  It's a guess.

When we came out of the mist I wiped the water out of my face and muttered to myself, "Daggum".

I don't know if that is a common word that inspires hilarity in China but that group beside me just about busted a gut.  All I heard was tons of laughter, lots of conversations in Chinese, and the word "daggum" repeated over and over.

Somewhere in China the story of the hillbilly American is told to small children at night as they sit around the campfire.


Don't judge me,
Opus T. Penguin